Foreign Conversations 
 
Willow really shouldn't have been surprised that, by the time dusk had fallen, and she went into the courtyard to escape from all the continual noise, Angel was already there, sitting on the edge of the not-working fountain, and looking gloomier and broodier than was usual, even for him. 
 
She guessed that the Poe's Raven expression he was wearing came from the same reason that the Slayers were all getting on her nerves more than normal. It was very possible, now that she stopped to think about it, that they were the only two people who were still on edge after the hotel's recent 'visitors' had left. 
 
Mostly because they were the only two who were trying to overcome the deep-down feeling that it wasn't supposed to have been a visit, that no-one should have left. Considering how many people were there already, that was pretty stupid, but then Willow could just tell herself from now on that it was all to do with Angel projecting his sulk, and nothing to do with how she felt. 
 
Right… 
 
Faith could say all she liked how it was selfish of her not to want Xander to stay here while she went to England, but it just seemed wrong. Of course she wanted him to do his own thing, and be happy, but why couldn't he do it in England? Why hang around and try to help people who didn't even know him, or understand him, or…or… 
 
Or weren't her. 
 
She really was selfish. Horribly, nastily selfish. It was just that it hurt, and she wasn't ready just yet to face up to that part.  
 
From the look on his face, neither was Angel. 
 
She went over and sat down beside him. "Deep thoughts?" she asked him, trying to keep her voice light. He just shrugged. Willow waited. 
 
"No…" it was an exasperated sigh. "Not really. More like…what the hell do they see in each other?" 
 
Well, yeah, that was pretty much what she'd been thinking, because what did Xander see in that ragged little group, but - oh. Angel meant what did Spike and Wes see in each other, no-one else even crossing his thoughts for a second. It was a bit stupid of her to have thought he'd be considering Xander's decision, no matter what was top of her mind at the moment. Maybe it was because she hardly knew Wes at all, and (to her slightly embarrassed self-admission) hadn't really cared for some time what Spike did, but whatever the reason, she hadn't paid much attention to that side of things. She realised that for Angel, on the other hand, it was probably bugging him more than everything else put together.  
 
While Willow had tuned out into the sound of her own thoughts, Angel had obviously been building up mental steam. The next thing she heard as she pulled herself out of her introspection was - "And what I really don't get is why the hell someone is always naked when I call them..…" 
 
Willow blinked, trying to catch up with his train of thought. "They are?" She considered this for a few seconds, and drew a blank as to how he could possibly know that. "And they tell you they are?" Because Spike, yeah, she could see that happening, but Wes announcing it? Or saying that someone else was? So not likely. 
 
Angel winced a bit. "Well.... not exactly... But…vampire hearing." He tugged sheepishly at one ear, looking as if he had been caught out in something. "But Wes hasn't denied it either. Usually turns it into some kind of joke about nudist colonies or ritual orgies." 
 
Willow tried to conceal both her amusement at the expression on his face, and the fact that she now had some images that a nice girl shouldn't be finding quite so hot bouncing around in her head. Then again, it wasn't as if she was going to be explaining any time soon that one of the things she missed most about Kennedy was the inventive ways a tongue stud could be used to wake you up... "Um...maybe you shouldn't call him on it? Like, maybe he finds it kinda embarrassing, what with the naked, and the...you...and...." she waved her hands around vaguely. "Although orgies, wow, I guess that would explain some of why Xander's staying.…" 
 
Angel closed his eyes tightly for a moment, looking as if he wanted to stick his fingers in his ears and start chanting to complete the effect of 'see no evil, hear no evil', and then opened them very slowly, "Willow... please... that is an image that I just don't want burned into my retinas... even mentally. Xander, Spike and Wes... Orgy. Just... just no...." 
 
Willow couldn't resist it. Okay, so Angel was obviously having problems that weren't really anything to do with the naked, or the possible-but-not-likely orgies, because no way could Wes find means of shutting the other two up for long enough to actually have one, but... "Not hot?" she asked, and opened her eyes innocently. 
 
Angel shifted uncomfortably on the marble rim of the fountain, looked down at his hands and then back up at Willow. "Well, maybe.... just a little." 
 
And that was probably the difficulty. Well, not that he found it hot, because undead wasn't dead, and Angel had definitely -- and she was so not going there, because she was still open to discussion on whether Connor or Angelus was the worst thing that could happen when Angel had sex. Angel thought he should mind...and deep down, he didn't. "Hey, a little is good..." She nodded supportively. "You're...being open-minded....or....something...." 
 
"No." Well, at least that was a straightforward answer. "But …they're full grown men and I have no say in any mistakes I think they might be making." His expression said, however, that contrary to his oh-so-enlightened statement, he really did have a lot to say on the whole idea.  
 
"O-kay..." she drew the last word out slowly. Not that she was Expert Relationship Girl or anything, but from where she stood? Not so much of a mistake. "Angel....you do know…I mean, you can see that they aren't...that it's not just…I mean...." Whew, this was hard. "I think you might be, um, not seeing a couple of things. Not those things!" she added quickly, because Eep! "Just...mistake? Not so sure on that one." 
 
Angel looked as if he was a schoolboy being lectured….and liking the process just as much as any scolded ten-year-old. "Look, Willow. I know.... Spike has a soul now, but that doesn't make him instantly a good guy. " His eyes darted down, and his voice was slower and more ponderous when he continued. "I isolated myself for a lot of years after I got mine. It's hard to change.... very hard... even with the guilt, the craving for blood? It's always there.. always taunting you." 
 
Willow resisted the impulse to sigh, or maybe hit him over the head with a plant. "Uh, yeah, Angel, I think that's something you're never gonna have to explain to either of them." And good luck if you ever try, added her mental critic. She shrugged. "Maybe...it was worse for you, back when it happened? You hadta do it alone for nearly a century before you got Buffy...and, you know. Us. Sort of. By extension. I mean, we all tried to understand. That must have helped, right? And now you've got Cordy, and Gunn, and...you aren't alone. But at first...you were. I get that. The thing is..." and now she really was blushing, because Angel so wasn't going to like this... "Nearly from the start, Spike had Wes to help him. We wouldn't have done half as much for him, even without how they ended up -" she stopped before she could dig herself any further into a hole on that one, and started again, hoping he'd get what she'd meant. "Actually….we sort of didn't even get as far as trying to help, if you think about it." She winced a bit. "I'm not even sure we'd've even wanted to try. And…well, that kinda makes us not the good guys, on this one. So it's...it's different, than it was for you. I'm not saying that's right, or a good thing, but...it's not the same. You're not the same."  
 
Angel slammed his hand down, hard, on the marble slab beside him. "Don't you think I don't know that? Don't you think that I haven't been told that a dozen times? 'Spike's different. Spike doesn't brood. Spike's handling his soul so well…'" His eyes suddenly went wide and wild-looking, and he stared at Willow, an urgent expression on his face. "Oh, my God.... I'm jealous of Spike." 
 
Willow somehow thought that saying 'Well duh!', while it might make her sound like Cordy, and so probably a bit more familiar, wasn't going to be so helpful right now. "You...sorta have reasons?" she said tentatively, because she could think of a hell of a lot more obvious ones than that he was a bit resentful that Spike might be handling something better than he had. Most of them weren't to do with the soul-thing at all, and she really didn't want to go there before Angel had cleared it up in his own mind. "And, um, not being funny here, but I talked to Gunn, and he says Wes wasn't talking to any of you, 'cept Fred. So...so...maybe at first it wasn't as easy as you're making it sound?" Oh, man, this was a minefield. "Angel...maybe…I mean, they left, and they never got in touch till now…maybe you're jealous no-one asked you for help a second time?" 
 
"I know... I know.... I wasn't exactly being... well, helpful when Wes dropped Spike off here." He gave a chagrined laugh at that. "I guess being at the bottom of the ocean for months on end didn't exactly leave me at my most... coherent. But they should have known... Spike should have known." Unspoken was the obvious rider. Wes should have known. 
 
Willow reached out and tapped him on the forehead. "Yeah, so…connect the dots. Wow, they tell me there's a brain in there. Come on, Angel...first you talk about how bad it is, getting a soul....then you say how well Spike's dealing with it all and you're jealous...and now you hop straight to 'he should have known'. I don't think you were top of his list of things to care about right then." She shrugged, not sure whether she was trying to nullify her words or the look of dawning misery on Angel's face. "Sorry." 
 
He slumped back, leaning on his hands. "I'm getting it all wrong again." He nodded to himself, the look of terminal gloom returning.. "I should just leave dealing with people to Cordy and stick with being the quiet, broody guy." 
 
Willow rolled her eyes. "Oh, yeah, like they're gonna think you caring is getting it wrong. I wasn't there, I don't know. But hey, it sounds to me like everyone was all...hurty and stuff. And from what Gunn told…well. Stuff got said. You can make up for it now though, right?" 
 
"What if it's too late, Willow?" His voice was soft now, sad and quiet. "There are so many things between Wes and I.... even more with Spike. Do you think.... do you think they'd be willing to let me try?" 
 
"As long as 'trying' doesn't involve saying to them 'here's what you should do', sure. I mean, look at us! You could have told me a zillion times what I was doing wrong...hey, think about it, you could have told Buffy that. But you never did. And look, we're talking, and Buffy's okay with you, and three years ago? Could you have seen that?" 
 
His lip twitched slightly, "That's all Cordy, you know? I try it with her and she just tells me where to get off. It's.... illuminating." 
 
"See? She got over things, and she's stayed around...look, um, about Wes. I get it, you know? Why he's staying away, cause I did...I did really bad things. And I was like Spike...I got lucky. I had Xander, and then Giles. But you know...even if I hadn't, even if I'd had to do it alone...once they'd forgiven me, really forgiven me? I never stopped being their friend. I just....wouldn't have blamed them for not being mine. And I think…if I'd been on my own? I'd've stayed away too, till I thought they were ready." 
 
"It's all so.... fucked up, Willow." And it was a measure of how confused he was that he allowed such a word out to taint the ears of someone he still thought of as an innocent, even with everything he knew about her. He looked up then, "I don't know if I can fix it. But... I'll try." He gave a big sigh, "Thank you for listening to me." 
 
Willow screwed up her face. "I hate people saying that. But, you know. Any time. Just...listen to Cordy, okay? She'll beat you on the head with what she thinks, but she's right most of the time. She's got a point when she says guilt's a waste of time...I've bored her stupid with mine, and yeah, okay, she's not so patient with the guilt trips, but with people? She'll put up with just about anything." 
 
He gave her a half smile, "Yeah... I think I got that one. And if I don't? I'm sure that eventually, she'll beat it into me." Reaching over, he gathered up Willow's hand in his, "I've worn out your ear tonight, Willow. What about you? How are you adjusting to..... life after the Hellmouth?" 
 
Yeah, wow, and way to remind her that she owed him honesty. He'd given her his, after all, so it wasn't like she could just brush it off. It would kind of make what she'd said to him meaningless, on top of everything else. "So long as I don't sit down and think about it? It's fine. But yeah...then I have to, and all that? Not so nice and shiny. We should be glad. I am, I promise. But...I just got something good back, you know? And it just seems...it seems mean that I had to start falling for another hero. So, once everyone's got down off their life-highs and gone to bed...sometimes it's not so good." 
 
"It's hard... losing people you love." That much, apparently, he could understand. "And harder to know the one's still living could be taken from you, just by being what they are." 
 
Willow bumped his shoulder companionably. "That's true. For all of us, though." She wished she didn't blush so often, but...being serious like this with Angel? It kind of made her feel red-faced all on its own. "We do this...and we choose to, but the result? Anyone. We could lose anyone. I guess...I want it not to be there, the knowing, and the fighting, and…huh. Except then I wouldn't have any of you, so..." she sighed suddenly. "And yeah, maybe this is all mixed up with the part where Xander's leaving me..." 
 
* 
 
Alright, this was leaning towards more bumpy ground for him. He and Xander had never gotten along... but, well, taking a step outside that, maybe he could offer her something. "Xander's not really leaving you, Willow. He's just... just trying to find his own path." 
 
"I know, I do, I get it...or I'm trying to...but there's a part of me..." she sighed again. "I kind of thought he'd always be there. Not there like loving me here while I'm in England type there, or talking on the other end of a phone there, or there where I can visit if I like there, but there. With me. My friend, there. And I know it's selfish. I do. But...it's like part of me's going to be cut off. And I can't be happy about that. I want to be, but...I just can't." 
 
Comfort. Angel though he could do this... really. Hell, if Xander Harris could do this, he sure as Hell could. 
 
He reached out and put his arms around her, pulling her into a hug, "It'll be okay. He'll visit.... You'll visit. You know you're welcome to stay here anytime you want. And, really, England is only a few hours away now. Not like he'd have to spend weeks on a ship or anything...." 
 
It was a rather watery laugh, but she managed it. "Yeah...give Spike five weeks and he'll be robbing a bank for the plane fare...." Angel was comforting, she thought, despite his awkwardness. It probably had to do with the 'bigger than everyone' thing he had going for him, the way Buffy could be, despite her small stature. And she needed that right now, wanted to be told it was all going to be all right, even if everything had changed forever. 
 
Angel gave a slight huff and pulled her closer, offering her his handkerchief, "I'll have his hide if he tries it."  
 
No, he actually trusted Wes to keep Spike honest... to a point. But he knew how good Spike was at obfuscating...  
 
She blew her nose inelegantly, a small amused part of her wondering if it would be worth handing the handkerchief back, just to watch Angel try not to squirm. "No you wouldn't. You'd make him give it back and buy the ticket yourself." 
 
He huffed again. "Yes.... and then I'd have his hide." But his voice was teasing now, his hands soothing down over her back, comfortingly. "Willow?" 
 
"Yeah?" She tried not to sniff anymore, because it must be about six times as annoying to a vampire as it was to people, and she hated it enough when she heard others doing it to think that would probably be very bad. 
 
He spoke hesitantly, still unsure if how he was relating to people was correct. "You know that if any of you... You, Faith...... Buffy.... If any of you need anything. Anything at all... you just have to ask." 
 
There wasn't anything she could think of...nothing that would give Angel, who obviously needed something concrete to be doing, a way of proving he meant what he said. But..."Just keep reminding us," she said at last. "That's pretty much worth everything." 
 
He nodded at that, "I'll keep that in mind too. Just keep reminding me to remind you...." And this time he actually smiled. "Oh... can I ask you one more thing?" His voice was very serious again. 
 
"Sure. I mean, I'll try..." 
 
He straighten just a bit and looked down at her, his eyes deep, fathomless and full of feeling, "Just how long will I have all the Slayers here?" 
 
She opened her mouth, ready to reply seriously, and choked on laughter. When she could speak again, she looked up at him with limpid innocence. "But Angel...you said you'd do anything for us..."  
 
And for one gorgeous moment, that she would treasure for a long time, the look of horrified panic on his face was completely genuine. 
 
*